It's always darkest before the dawn....

I was going to try and write something deep and philosophical today.  I had every intention of coming up with some witty combination of words to make things light and give people who read it (yes it is probably only me) some food for thought.  Bad thing is I can't do it.  I've tried over and over again, writing something down, adding to it, and then deleting the whole damn thing.  I know what they mean when they say writer's block now, but I'm pretty sure this is self induced.  So instead I will put down what has been running through my mind today...


It was about 11:30 AM and I was just getting into a meeting at work when the call came in.  It was my dad, "Mom's not going to make it through the day."  Wow, how do you react to that?  What happens when all of the emotions you have suddenly get all bogged down together and you can't display anything.  The anger fights with the sadness, which suppresses the logical part of your brain, and you can't even think straight.  I remember falling into a chair when I heard the news, and to be honest I have no idea how I got from work to the nursing home.  I walked in the front doors and headed down to the wing where my mom was.  I felt the eyes on me as I proceeded down the hall, I could feel the sympathy in the stares, but when eye contact was attempted, the eyes turned away, knowing that there was nothing they could do or say to make the situation better.  There was family in the hallway.  Hands reached up trying to offer comfort as I made my way into the room.  My dad was there, fighting back tears, and losing that battle.  My sister and brother were there, tears and sobs and hands trying to grasp every last second we could with her, trying in vain to let her know that we loved her, and that while she was leaving us, she was going to be in a better place, and that she would be able to walk again.  I couldn't tell you how long it was, could have been minutes, hours, but it seemed just like seconds, and she was gone.  I gave her one last kiss on the forehead, and then she took her last breath.  The days and weeks that followed are a blur.  I don't remember much, except that the hurt was replaced by knowing that her suffering was over, but ours had just begun.  If I had the ability to tell her one more thing, it would be the same thing I whispered to her with that final kiss.... I love you mom.  I miss you more than anyone will ever know.  I hope things are well up there.  Tell dad I love him, and Uncle Gilfred too.  I hope to see you in my dreams, until that day when we meet up again.

In Loving Memory

Anita Louise Duran

Aug 24, 1949 - Apr 29, 2001