No I won't do it, I refuse, I'm tired of saying Goodbye

     So it's been awhile since my last post, and I wish it was because I was too busy or things just piled up, but to be honest I've just been lazy.  So apologies if your life was empty because I hadn't written anything (... and I'm not going to lie, we really need to talk if you are waiting on my blog posts. :) )  So I guess I will just jump into it..

     Last week we got word that my Grandma was in the hospital.  Evidently she had a series of small strokes and the prognosis wasn't good.  Yesterday they moved her to hospice, and started medicating her because she was extremely uncomfortable and crying.  For those of you who don't know my grandma, A)You're missing out, because that woman is AMAZING (and that's an understatement!) B) I've only seen her cry a few times in my life, and those times, were times a mother should not have to go through.  So now she's sleeping.  To me that's good for her.  She has raised 10 children, 67 grand kids (yes you read that right) and I'm sorry but I've lost count of the great grandchildren.  She survived the heartache of burying her husband Cippy, two of her sons, and even some grand kids.  She's been through hundreds of weddings, graduations, funerals, births, birthday parties, anniversary parties, and family barbecues.  I will miss her tremendously when the time finally comes, but I'm not going to say goodbye.  I've said goodbye too many times in the last 10 years.  I said goodbye to my mom, my dad, two of my players from my old soccer team, my friend and assistant coach, and family members.  I refuse to say goodbye (this is the part where I hold my breath and turn blue...) but I do want to say something...

     First off I want to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I didn't visit more often.  I'm sorry I didn't call.  I'm sorry I couldn't make more family functions.  I know I will be judged for all of this, and to be honest there is only one judgement I care about, so if you want to judge go ahead, the lines forms towards the back.

     Secondly, I want to say Thank You!  One of the greatest things you taught me (and reinforced through what you taught my dad) was to help everyone whenever you can.  I guess that's one of the biggest reasons I had to say sorry so much.  The loyalty and dedication you instilled in my dad and me, makes me feel bad when I let someone down.  When I give someone my word, it's gold, because it's what you taught us.  Help everyone, even if it means you go without.  Don't expect anything in return, because that's no reason to help someone.  Help them because they need it and because you can, no matter what the personal sacrifice.  Be good to everyone, because they deserve it.  Respect your elders, because that's where your history is, and where your knowledge will come from.  Be the best person you can be, because it's the right thing to do.  Family comes first, and even though we may not be there in body, we are always there for you no matter what.

     I hope I've learned the lessons that you wanted me to.  I have the best grandma in the world.  You probably won't be able to read this, but that's okay.  I just hope you know that I love you, and I'm sorry I won't say goodbye.  I will just say, until we see each other again.  When will that be?  I don't know, only God knows that answer, but for me, when I help someone who needs it, when I give someone my word, when things get rough... I will think of you and that amazing smile, and that will be enough to get me through the toughest times.  I will miss you, I will always love you, I will think about you often...

It's always darkest before the dawn....

I was going to try and write something deep and philosophical today.  I had every intention of coming up with some witty combination of words to make things light and give people who read it (yes it is probably only me) some food for thought.  Bad thing is I can't do it.  I've tried over and over again, writing something down, adding to it, and then deleting the whole damn thing.  I know what they mean when they say writer's block now, but I'm pretty sure this is self induced.  So instead I will put down what has been running through my mind today...


It was about 11:30 AM and I was just getting into a meeting at work when the call came in.  It was my dad, "Mom's not going to make it through the day."  Wow, how do you react to that?  What happens when all of the emotions you have suddenly get all bogged down together and you can't display anything.  The anger fights with the sadness, which suppresses the logical part of your brain, and you can't even think straight.  I remember falling into a chair when I heard the news, and to be honest I have no idea how I got from work to the nursing home.  I walked in the front doors and headed down to the wing where my mom was.  I felt the eyes on me as I proceeded down the hall, I could feel the sympathy in the stares, but when eye contact was attempted, the eyes turned away, knowing that there was nothing they could do or say to make the situation better.  There was family in the hallway.  Hands reached up trying to offer comfort as I made my way into the room.  My dad was there, fighting back tears, and losing that battle.  My sister and brother were there, tears and sobs and hands trying to grasp every last second we could with her, trying in vain to let her know that we loved her, and that while she was leaving us, she was going to be in a better place, and that she would be able to walk again.  I couldn't tell you how long it was, could have been minutes, hours, but it seemed just like seconds, and she was gone.  I gave her one last kiss on the forehead, and then she took her last breath.  The days and weeks that followed are a blur.  I don't remember much, except that the hurt was replaced by knowing that her suffering was over, but ours had just begun.  If I had the ability to tell her one more thing, it would be the same thing I whispered to her with that final kiss.... I love you mom.  I miss you more than anyone will ever know.  I hope things are well up there.  Tell dad I love him, and Uncle Gilfred too.  I hope to see you in my dreams, until that day when we meet up again.

In Loving Memory

Anita Louise Duran

Aug 24, 1949 - Apr 29, 2001

To Blog or Not To Blog... that is the question

Well, I've said I'm going to do this for a long time, and I guess a long time has actually passed.  I've been told that I should write a blog by hundreds (okay just 2...people, not 200.)  I guess my biggest issue with starting one, was what do I blog about?  Do I talk about my political views?  Do I talk about what makes me angry?  Do I offer solutions with what's wrong with the world and the umpteen subcategories that entails?  Do I write a food blog with the best and worst and everywhere in between experiences I've had?  Do I talk about the trials and tribulations of trying to raise 3 kids in the "Information Age?"  Do I write about how being a kind soul is it's own reward, and paying forward shouldn't be an idea, it should be a law?  Or do I talk about how I drive my wife crazy, and how for the life of me I can't believe I got so lucky that she would stick around for 20 years, and put up with me?  Maybe I should blog about soccer?  The teams I coach, what I think about certain topics, what's wrong with the game, and what's right?  So you see there are numerous things running through my head all at the same time... so which one do I choose?  I wrestled with this over and over again.  Thinking to myself "Self... and my self not knowing who I was said "Huh?""... so I finally think I figured out what I want to blog about... all of it.  So if you're still reading this now, I guess I should go ahead and tell everyone up front.  These are my opinions, if you don't care, don't read them, if you do read , them and you disagree, cool.  If you agree, that's cool too.  If what I say makes you think about your stance, or at least encourages discourse, then hey that's gravy... and who doesn't love gravy... and bacon... that's a great combination right there.  Now I can't promise that I won't go off in tangents during my entries.  My days of writing in logical order are long gone.  I'm not being graded on this, so my style isn't going to win an Pulitzer prizes, and I will not apologize for spelling errors.... not my fault technology doesn't understand what I'm trying to say!  I can't promises everything I write will be lighthearted and funny.  There are some topics I hold near and dear to my heart, and I may talk about those every now and then.  I can't tell you I'm going to blog every day, it may be once a week, maybe once a month, depends on the demands of life, and whether I have anything to say.  So let's make a deal, if you want to stick around and read my blog, thanks!  If you don't then just think that's 5 to 10 minutes of your life you won't be losing.  So if you're still with me.... the Captain has turned on the seat belt sign, so place your chair backs and trays in the upright position and hang on for a ride :)